Journals10
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Account no longer in use
1 min read
Just wanted to update that I'll no longer be posting here and will be privating a lot of my work. I have a new account that I'll be posting everything to. If you'd like to follow my new account just send me a message, I don't want any connections to this account as weird as it sounds so won't be publicly linking my new account. It's not really that hard to find though, just the username I use on all my other social media lol.
I'll be hiding my art and reposting some of the more recent pieces to my new account. It's just nice having an account where my stash and stuff isn't bogged down with years of files and art.
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Trying to come back
1 min read
Okay basically posting to DA is frustrating bc you can only post one drawing at a time and I've been spoiled my Facebook, Insta, and Twitter lol but I really do wanna start posting here again.
Been doing a lot of art (mostly warrior cat related) and I have A LOT of stuff not yet posted.
Also I still don't have a pc with internet. My Laptop finally broke down but I managed to get my old desktop up and running so that's a blessing. But for some reason internet don't work on it. Hoping to get it fixed soon but for now I'm stuck posting from mobile so hopefully I can keep up with it!
Been doing a lot of art (mostly warrior cat related) and I have A LOT of stuff not yet posted.
Also I still don't have a pc with internet. My Laptop finally broke down but I managed to get my old desktop up and running so that's a blessing. But for some reason internet don't work on it. Hoping to get it fixed soon but for now I'm stuck posting from mobile so hopefully I can keep up with it!
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I've Been Super Busy
1 min read
Like the title says lol. ArtFight is over, and my team lost. But I had fun regardless! I got 3 pieces of art drawn for me, and I drew about 38 characters total for ArtFight! Two were solo but the rest was a group pic that I'll be uploading later. Besides ArtFight I just had a super busy month, and also got heat sick from being out in the sun constantly.
Also joined an art center. Only went once so far but plan on trying to go more. Besides that I'm gonna be posting more now.
It might still be slow though, my laptop keyboard has been broken for a while now so I only draw on my laptop and I have to type every up from my phone! But I'm gonna try to get into posting on here. I've been working on references and writing for my comic and I already have some done! c:
Also joined an art center. Only went once so far but plan on trying to go more. Besides that I'm gonna be posting more now.
It might still be slow though, my laptop keyboard has been broken for a while now so I only draw on my laptop and I have to type every up from my phone! But I'm gonna try to get into posting on here. I've been working on references and writing for my comic and I already have some done! c:
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ArtFight
1 min read
So I'm going to be doing ArtFight again this year! I'm on Team Dream and hopefully my team will win again. Last year I was Team Tea.
My account is here: artfight.net/~Messenger-Pigeon
And I will be posting any art I do here and on my Twitter. I've yet to post anything on my Twitter but I will be soon. My Twitter is here: twitter.com/VapidPigeon
My account is here: artfight.net/~Messenger-Pigeon
And I will be posting any art I do here and on my Twitter. I've yet to post anything on my Twitter but I will be soon. My Twitter is here: twitter.com/VapidPigeon
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Where I've Been
6 min read
So I've been gone since November, and I'm just making this journal to explain why.
Long story short on my birthday my mother spent the whole day shit talking me and making up lies to her friend who was staying with us at the time. The reason for all of this is because I didn't wash some damn dishes. Now I feel she had a right to get upset, but to sit there and talk about me like I was a piece of shit? No.
So it triggered my anxiety really bad and I was left unable to draw. No one understands how important drawing is to me, I'm basically nothing without it. And if I'm in such a bad space mentally that I'm unable to draw I can't do anything else. Because drawing is what's used to calm me down. So I stopped having an online presence, and stopped talking to my friends. I've basically talked to no one these past few months. And tbh the dangerous thing about that is that I'm honestly fine doing that. I can talk to myself just fine. But I had a dream that one of my friends sent me a message recently and they did. So I checked my social media on a whim. And was in all honesty surprised when my friends said they missed me and was glad I was okay. This was just a realization to me how I view myself as basically nothing. I've always had trouble keeping relationships with other people, because there's a high risk of me just not responding and just walking away. I always felt like they wouldn't care anyways because I'm replaceable.
I actually went to my therapist yesterday for an appointment, and I broke down crying when in the middle of me talking about how much my friends miss me. And even on DA, getting messages from someone who just wants to know how I'm doing? Means so much to me. No one ever asks how I am, and most people usually just dump their problems on me.
I don't usually mind because I've always been a good listener and according to people give good advice. But as a result of never being asked how I'm doing my response is usually that I'm fine. I really don't know how to open up to other people about myself. It's honestly a foreign concept to me lol. But I think a big part of it is because I understand myself. I know a lot of people tend to say this but I really do. Which is why I'm perfectly fine alone, half the time I'm by myself I'm just thinking about who I am. When I make stories so many characters are from me taking one aspect of myself and shaping the character around it. I've spent a lot of my time alone, depressed, suicidal, to the point I tried killing myself. But after that it's been a slow progress of changing myself. I use my characters to explore and overcome the different sides of me.
But despite being fine alone I realized I was never happy. I was satisfied, cause like I said being alone doesn't bother me. But the past few months I've been away I haven't smiled at all like I've been the past two days back in contact with my friends.
I've got a lot of things to still overcome, and might actually have PTSD. Which is a good possibility considering I have one major trigger that really fucks me over when I have to experience it. But from now on I'm gonna put an honest effort to be more active. Especially since I will soon be getting back on medication for my anxiety and depression. Which is what I sorely need. When I had my medication I was able to work towards my goals with a clearer mind and it's something I'm working to achieve again. My most active and consistent online presence was when I was on medication.
And for anyone who wants to know the full story about my mom and all I've had to put up with, you can read the full ramble I made about her here: Long Story
This is actually how I've always dealt with my problems, and this is how I talk to myself. When I talk to myself it's always me talking to, me, but like another side of myself. It's always helped me put things in perspective. And I'm not claiming to be a saint, but no child should have to put up with this stuff. And this isn't even everything that shes done to me, and it doesnt even get into what she's done to my siblings. I mean anytime an issue is brought up she loves saying "find a new mom" and like, how can you claim to care about your kids when you can't even be bothered to realize what you're doing wrong? Worst thing is she's not necessarily a bad person. She has past trauma herself and has BPD and PTSD but she's too self centered and in denial.
I'm still stuck living with her but I can't leave my younger siblings or my pets behind with her. And when I leave I need to make sure I'm in a good place where I won't have to rely on anyone. I've just been keeping my head down focusing on myself. And hopefully soon I'll be able to start looking for a house that'll accept me and my pets.
Besides all this I'm still working on the comic I have planned. It's a warrior cats comic and so far I've designed 2 more characters officially. And I've been doing a lot of writing in regards to territory and lore. I plan on making animatics that show the history of the 4 clans in my comic and shows off the territories. My story has come a long way and I'm proud of it so far.
Idk if I'll keep this up or not, everytime I talk about myself and how I feel I feel like I'm doing something wrong. But for now it'll stay.
Long story short on my birthday my mother spent the whole day shit talking me and making up lies to her friend who was staying with us at the time. The reason for all of this is because I didn't wash some damn dishes. Now I feel she had a right to get upset, but to sit there and talk about me like I was a piece of shit? No.
So it triggered my anxiety really bad and I was left unable to draw. No one understands how important drawing is to me, I'm basically nothing without it. And if I'm in such a bad space mentally that I'm unable to draw I can't do anything else. Because drawing is what's used to calm me down. So I stopped having an online presence, and stopped talking to my friends. I've basically talked to no one these past few months. And tbh the dangerous thing about that is that I'm honestly fine doing that. I can talk to myself just fine. But I had a dream that one of my friends sent me a message recently and they did. So I checked my social media on a whim. And was in all honesty surprised when my friends said they missed me and was glad I was okay. This was just a realization to me how I view myself as basically nothing. I've always had trouble keeping relationships with other people, because there's a high risk of me just not responding and just walking away. I always felt like they wouldn't care anyways because I'm replaceable.
I actually went to my therapist yesterday for an appointment, and I broke down crying when in the middle of me talking about how much my friends miss me. And even on DA, getting messages from someone who just wants to know how I'm doing? Means so much to me. No one ever asks how I am, and most people usually just dump their problems on me.
I don't usually mind because I've always been a good listener and according to people give good advice. But as a result of never being asked how I'm doing my response is usually that I'm fine. I really don't know how to open up to other people about myself. It's honestly a foreign concept to me lol. But I think a big part of it is because I understand myself. I know a lot of people tend to say this but I really do. Which is why I'm perfectly fine alone, half the time I'm by myself I'm just thinking about who I am. When I make stories so many characters are from me taking one aspect of myself and shaping the character around it. I've spent a lot of my time alone, depressed, suicidal, to the point I tried killing myself. But after that it's been a slow progress of changing myself. I use my characters to explore and overcome the different sides of me.
But despite being fine alone I realized I was never happy. I was satisfied, cause like I said being alone doesn't bother me. But the past few months I've been away I haven't smiled at all like I've been the past two days back in contact with my friends.
I've got a lot of things to still overcome, and might actually have PTSD. Which is a good possibility considering I have one major trigger that really fucks me over when I have to experience it. But from now on I'm gonna put an honest effort to be more active. Especially since I will soon be getting back on medication for my anxiety and depression. Which is what I sorely need. When I had my medication I was able to work towards my goals with a clearer mind and it's something I'm working to achieve again. My most active and consistent online presence was when I was on medication.
And for anyone who wants to know the full story about my mom and all I've had to put up with, you can read the full ramble I made about her here: Long Story
This is actually how I've always dealt with my problems, and this is how I talk to myself. When I talk to myself it's always me talking to, me, but like another side of myself. It's always helped me put things in perspective. And I'm not claiming to be a saint, but no child should have to put up with this stuff. And this isn't even everything that shes done to me, and it doesnt even get into what she's done to my siblings. I mean anytime an issue is brought up she loves saying "find a new mom" and like, how can you claim to care about your kids when you can't even be bothered to realize what you're doing wrong? Worst thing is she's not necessarily a bad person. She has past trauma herself and has BPD and PTSD but she's too self centered and in denial.
I'm still stuck living with her but I can't leave my younger siblings or my pets behind with her. And when I leave I need to make sure I'm in a good place where I won't have to rely on anyone. I've just been keeping my head down focusing on myself. And hopefully soon I'll be able to start looking for a house that'll accept me and my pets.
Besides all this I'm still working on the comic I have planned. It's a warrior cats comic and so far I've designed 2 more characters officially. And I've been doing a lot of writing in regards to territory and lore. I plan on making animatics that show the history of the 4 clans in my comic and shows off the territories. My story has come a long way and I'm proud of it so far.
Idk if I'll keep this up or not, everytime I talk about myself and how I feel I feel like I'm doing something wrong. But for now it'll stay.
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